ODE OF A CONFUSED WOMAN OF 50
I don’t know what I am
I don’t know what I want
I’ve known what I wanted
Stopped by life and blunted
I know what I’ve been…
A daughter by name
Then a wife yet another new game
wife, lover, cleaner, friend
dependable, supporter
When others didn’t stay till the end
An obedient Eve
bearer of children
School is in session
New chapter new lesson
The wiper of tears
The calmer of fears
The feeder to many
A listening ear to any
Supplier of greeds
buyer of needs
The builder of hope
While trying to just cope
The mender of cuts and broken knees
The sweeper of dirt to clear the tracks
Left by others who didn’t worry about my cracks
I’ve been the keeper of secrets
The healer of hearts
Smiled and laughed
nodded and frowned
I said my please and thank you
And took many a bow
had to be humble and hide the scowl
I don’t know what I am
I don’t know what I want
I’ve known what I wanted
Stopped by life and blunted
I’ve been used, lent, borrowed, and owned
Taken my punches, carried on packing lunches
I’ve stuck it out at times with a pout
Taken long showers to cry out the doubt
I’ve tried to connect and converse
Hide the pain and offered the purse
I’ve shouted and cried
Got fed up and lied….Oh I am ok and how are you?…..
Like water off a duck or rose dripping from dew
I’ve screamed and cried
But never gave up on you
Got tired got up and tried once again
I don’t know what I am
I don’t know what I want
I’ve known what I wanted
Stopped by life and blunted
Promises made, conversations had,
here we begin again
Off we go the end is pain
I have been all the things to all things
bits of me are bits of you
And bits of you are bits of them and and and and and…..
No need now to plan where you going — you’ll always be ordered and shunted
Some say you’re needed, some say you’re wanted,
All have an idea, all have a plan
Just follow the rules of their clan
listen to this, watch that, help here,
can you do this, what made you dare
can you lend this can you give that
Trapped in a roundabout just like a rat.
And somewhere between the, I don’t know who
or where or what I am…. is me!
I have not achieved the foolish youthful dream
I did not flee look it's still the young me!
Drained and Spent
I crave the attention I so willing lent
Kids are big now
No worries on their brow
They wipe their own tears
Tell others their fears
With others now laugh
Yet you still seeking your calf
Clothing is washed
They all Feeling Loved
Bedroom is done
Way is paved and paid
Warm places to lay…
Yet no one to play
No one wants to stay
A quick word in passing counts as conversation
No plans for excitation, no family vacation
A hurried passing word, a half upturned smile
I lived my life out for you and crawled many a mile
Yet I’m blessed for a little of your time, humble and grateful
I’ll take your offer of half a plateful
I’ll take from you desperate for what I get
I will hold what you say in my heart and cherish till fate
Hoping you’ll find happiness and the desire of a better mate
I don’t know what I am
I don’t know what I want
I’ve known what I wanted
Stopped by life and blunted
Hoping the memory I cherish will be enough.
I hope your days ahead dear ones not rough
No smiles — but an occasional grimace
No thanks but the odd formality
Does anyone care how is this woman's mentality?
Your lack of attention, love, and time
No knife is sharper with your brutality.
Aahh they see a mood change, she still breathes, she moves
She smiles, we’re fed,
and he’s not alone in bed.
She stands like a barricade
Her heart bit by bit decayed.
“Whew” we dodged a bullet
She handled the Dad,
slipped in between the boxer and bag.
Happily, they go and do their thing
They are too young to bother with old
He to prefers to dig and delve
Long-suffering and patient, wonderful dude
all whisper with awe and admire and smile
how could he stoop and marry the mire
Nothing in common he had no need to stay
I don’t know what I am
I don’t know what I want
I’ve known what I wanted
Stopped by life and blunted
Let me not waste their time
Their plans have been laid
No need to complain
I see I am a drain
I open the cage
Fly free my birds the old ones too
One day you will see and wish with rue
Yet I have nothing achieved
Nothing to show
Not even a …… Hey, how did it go?
No thoughts in my mind nor emotions in my heart
……No regret or despise
Another Sunset, nd sunrise
assured that tomorrow they’ll see again
Another sleepless night another day of pain
Have I loved enough
given enough
done enough
The plan is set and the weapon is chosen
Pierce the heart — in which once love was woven
Would I find a suitable spot,
Stab in between the holes of rot.
A place and a time
Your life is lived
Wake to reality you’re not worth a dime
Silence and peace scream from the dirt
One day too this phoenix will rise
And leave behind the ashes of loved and despised
Shock and grief bring then comes relief
They stand and stare in awe
And gaze upon the body on the floor
Funny so much time you take to gaze upon me
Last words you whisper wish I could hear
Final tears you drop upon my cheeks
Flee my little ones for soon I shall reek
The smell that once you cuddled too
Now you will look for and pursue.
And me I rest
In the silent earth a dusty guest
My fate is sealed…
The bells have pealed…
Silence…
Trumpets…
Earthquake…
Fire…
End…
I’ve turned the final bend
Farewell to foe and friend!
By Calina Romani
